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Herschel Heinemann
Heinemann.jpg

Heinemann at the White House Correspondents Dinner, 2005

Ring name(s) Herschel Heinemann
Heinemann
Billed height 6 ft. 4 in. (1.93m)
Billed weight 285 lbs. (129kg)
Born September 5, 1963
Cuero, TX
Billed from New Orleans, LA
Trained by Pro Graps Academy
Debut February 2, 1997
Retired July 8, 2003
Herschel Heinemann (born September 5, 1963) is a former professional wrestler known for his time in the Pro Graps Association (PGA). He is famous for his lengthy undefeated winning streaks in both singles and triangle tag matches. The official singles count is 999-1, although some[who?] have questioned the legitimacy of this obvious historical fact. The triangle tag count is 8-1, which is honestly pretty reasonable.

Rugby and CyclingEdit

At the age of 15, Heinemann moved to Bordeaux, France with his parents. It was here that he adopted a wide variety of primarily European recreational activities. Three years later, he returned to the United States "with nary but a polo on his back and a Peugeot under his ass." Heinemann attended Louisiana State University for four years, and while it was not on scholarship, he did play intramural rugby his junior and senior years. Teammates have described him as being "pretty good." Likewise, professors have commented that he was "mostly forgettable."

Professional wrestling careerEdit

Debut (1997)Edit

When Heinemann realized that professional rugby isn't so much a thing in the States, he decided that professional wrestling would allow him to be the glory hound he always knew he could be. He immediately applied for admission at the Pro Graps Academy, but was initially refused by trainer Will Stone for being a "big, large, mostly stupid talentless idiot." Heinemann responded by kicking Stone in the head, taking him out of action for the next eight months. When Stone was no longer standing in the door to the building, Herschel reportedly walked in and pretended he had been there the whole time.

Heinemann appeared on PGA Primetime Wednesday! two hours later, spitting at the recently returned Lex Icon in the face and breaking seventeen of Icon's ribs with what would soon be known as Heinemann's legendary Running Shoulder Tackle.

The Streak CommencesEdit

Soon afterward, Heinemann was given a "win streak" gimmick based on his real-life tendency to refuse to believe a rugby game was over no matter the time left or the score, leading to the other team leaving the field in order to complete their comp studies homework and Heinemann declaring himself the winner. The newcomer captivated several fans as he plowed through opponent after opponent, at first lower-level foes such as Eric Apogee and Tom Galston, then moving up the card to tougher challengers such as Pulp, a match that Heinemann won by Running Shoulder Tackling Pulp through a monster truck on the edge of a cliff and rolling back into the ring to beat the count. In November 1997, Heinemann got his first taste of PGA gold on PTW by defeating The Wrangler Boyz, Levis Haas and Dennis Nimm, who confusingly had jointly won the North American Heavyweight Championship just three days prior at the All Pain-t's Eve pay-per-view when their scheduled opponent, Aaron "Ideal" Finnegan, got his arm stuck in a chair at a local Bennigan's. The match ended with Heinemann ripping the blue jeans off both opponents (earning a hefty fine from the FCC, as both Haas and Nimm were only wearing jockstraps underneath) and double Running Shoulder Tackling them for the pin.

"Get Be-Heinemann"Edit

Soon after, Heinemann would be pushed by necessity into the World Heavyweight Championship picture due to Hillbilly Clown contracting uncontrollable irritable bowel syndrome and "Porkchop" Miller being attacked by an enraged bighorn sheep at the PGA's annual Parking Break! PPV at Yellowstone National Park. Then-champion Cat Gunsmith promised Heinemann a title match at Crowning a Champion's Waist '98 but at the event itself pulled a bait and switch and forced Heinemann to wrestle his henchman, high school superstar and future NBA journeyman DeSagana Diop, in order to "earn" a title match later in the evening. Despite Gunsmith's near-constant, overwrought interference, thanks to a distraction by "Ultramasculine" Andy Frantic and his own NBA star John Stockton, Heinemann would summarily defeat Diop and then Gunsmith with the Running Shoulder Tackle to win the World Heavyweight Championship and bring his undefeated streak to 657-0.

"Who Else?!"Edit

Heinemann began a year-long reign of terror over the PGA, defeating such luminary challengers as Will Stone (who returned from his earlier injury only to be kicked in the head once more by Heinemann, which temporarily made his brain stupid), Ben Peterson, Vic Panache, Lex Icon and Paz Tense in a handicap match (despite interference from their loudmouthed manager, Vern Acular), and the Savage Garden Daemon.

Personal lifeEdit

Rumor has it that Heinemann has engaged in sexual intercourse with Anton "Panther" Long at least thrice. Long has denied this but it's kinda hard to tell as he continually speaks in sexual metaphors no matter the occasion.

Heinemann's parents owned and operated a Blimpie Submarine Shop in Ypsilanti, Iowa until their tragic death in a horrific yet mysterious train accident at the local petting zoo. Heinemann will often exclaim "Blimpie's ghost!" or "Blimpie's buttocks!" as an oath in tribute to them.

In wrestlingEdit

Championships and accomplishmentsEdit

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